I gave in to the marketing and bought the Rodale Brooks running calendar. I like the calendar because, in part, I like the daily reminder of what my goals are. Seeing the image of some svelte runner gliding through a picturesque setting reminds me of happier moments in running - and reminds me that I do it largely for the enjoyment of doing it. It also allows me to imprint a vision of someone with good form that I can later conjure up when I'm running and need to focus on something other than how much my toes hurt.
But, admittedly, I use it to chart my progress. Like any true OCD runner, I always record every mile I've actually run. I have about 8 spreadsheets documenting how many miles I should run, depending on what training program I happen to be following that week. But this old school format is the one I consistently use to chart how many miles my legs actually take me. I was writing down my miles for this week when I noticed this month's inspirational quote at the bottom of the page. In the corner, is a snippet from Bart Yasso, "Winning is a nice reward - don't get me wrong - but glory isn't the payoff. This may sound cliche, but the reward is living the lifestyle and embracing the journey. It's not about finishing, it's about moving forward." I have mixed feelings about that statement.
As is consistently the case, running parallels other areas of my life. It took me a long time to realize that I'm very much a goal-oriented person. I'm not happy unless I have a goal and am doing everything I can in my power to achieve that goal. Obstacles be damned! In fact, obstacles are sometimes the funnest part. But I have these two very concrete goals. One is to finish this damn marathon. The other is my degree. Specifically in the field of genetics (if U of M, it will be genetics, cell and developmental biology; if from Winona it will be molecular biology). The problem is, they are both so far away. And there are many, many, many obstacles.
I love the pursuit of the goal, but sometimes it's just not enough. I can only use my imagination to think of what it will feel like when I actually achieve either of these goals (and I do this a lot), but on a daily basis - that's not enough. If you were running toward some mountain in the distance that you could barely see, that was miles and miles away - but that was your goal and you ran all day you would eventually want to quit. Your legs tired, feet bleeding, you'd be out of fuel and you would start looking around at everyone else enjoying themselves - people sitting down and eating lunch, people relaxing in their homes, shopping, getting manicures - you would want to do these things too. Especially when the mountain disappeared from your view at times - which it will. Imagining what it would be like to be THERE at that mountain would work for a little bit, but ultimately that imagining just reminds you that you aren't actually there yet and that gets old. And frustrating.
There are a few techniques I've tried using to overcome this frustration. Remind myself that I will eventually be there, focus on what I like about the moment and try to remain present, think of the alternatives (the fact that my body parts are working is something I am repeatedly reminded to not take for granted), etc. Sometimes, though, the easiest thing to do is the thing I most forget. Stop. Just for one minute, look back at where I was - 10 minutes ago, 2 years ago, 1/2 mile ago, a lifetime ago. Look at all the miles I ran this week. 5, 4, 6, 11. This is progress. And every mile I have traveled - nobody did that for me. I had plenty of help and encouragement, but it's been my will, my luck, my own genetic capacity, my own hard work, my own two feet - these are the things that are woven into all those little penciled-in numbers I write down every week on my calendar in OCD fashion. They're just numbers to anyone else, but to me, they are my story.
Holding Up!
I am happy to report that my knee and leg have held up fantastically this week. Just a few months ago, I wasn't able to run two days in a row without pain. I was able to run 3 days in a row this week with no pain. So here's how it went:
Sunday - Long run, 7 miles (finished the last mile at 8:39)
Monday - Swam 1 mile (should have taken the day off)
Tuesday - 4 miles at 5k pace
Wednesday - 3 miles, felt tired
Thursday - 3 miles..really slow and really tired. Legs felt very heavy.
Friday - Rest. And a massage!
Saturday - Long run, still at 7 miles. Felt pretty good after the day of rest.
I was supposed to run outside with the marathon training group, but I couldn't pull myself out of bed at 6 am knowing that it was only a few degrees outside. 7 miles on the treadmill isn't a party, but it's bearable. I can probably do next week's long run on the treadmill. After that, I'm going to start needing the company of others. Anything over 1.5 hrs running by yourself gets extremely boring. I am looking forward to meeting new people in the running group - I always manage to find really interesting people to run with. I think that's part of why I like the long distances; the conversations I end up having (really, my part is mostly limited to grunts and head nodding) are surprising. There's always an undercurrent of optimism in these people that makes me feel better about life and helps me forget about the tired legs.
Sunday - Long run, 7 miles (finished the last mile at 8:39)
Monday - Swam 1 mile (should have taken the day off)
Tuesday - 4 miles at 5k pace
Wednesday - 3 miles, felt tired
Thursday - 3 miles..really slow and really tired. Legs felt very heavy.
Friday - Rest. And a massage!
Saturday - Long run, still at 7 miles. Felt pretty good after the day of rest.
I was supposed to run outside with the marathon training group, but I couldn't pull myself out of bed at 6 am knowing that it was only a few degrees outside. 7 miles on the treadmill isn't a party, but it's bearable. I can probably do next week's long run on the treadmill. After that, I'm going to start needing the company of others. Anything over 1.5 hrs running by yourself gets extremely boring. I am looking forward to meeting new people in the running group - I always manage to find really interesting people to run with. I think that's part of why I like the long distances; the conversations I end up having (really, my part is mostly limited to grunts and head nodding) are surprising. There's always an undercurrent of optimism in these people that makes me feel better about life and helps me forget about the tired legs.
New Season
Today's run was my first "long run" of the new training season. I put in 7.5 miles, which will pale in comparison to what I'll be doing in a few months - assuming I don't get sidelined again.
This run didn't feel fantastic, and it's by no means representative of what I hope my marathon finish will be like, but it's the first one so I'll cut myself some slack.
Still, I'm relentlessly hard on myself so I need objective measurements. I haven't yet repeated last year's races (Fetzer 20k will be the first opportunity), but I can compare where I am this year at my first long run of the season to last year - when I was just getting started after several years of no running. Here's a direct comparison:
January 2009
- Still smoking
- Somewhere around 20 lbs heavier
- Long run pace of 11-12 min/mile
- Willing to run in -13 degree weather...outside!
January 2010
- Smoke free for almost a year
- 20 lbs lighter, plus increased muscle mass (about 15% less body fat)
- Long run pace of 9:40 min/mile
- Much wimpier about the weather I'll run in (or more sane?)
There are numerous other areas in my life where I would like to make as much progress. I'm sad that I haven't and I'm getting very impatient. I think the reason I've always liked running is that the results are usually pretty consistent with the amount of effort I put forth in training. The frustrating thing is that I don't seem to be able to achieve these same results with other areas of my life. So many things are outside my locus of control. The objectivity I need now is to resolve what IS within my locus of control in these other areas. I'm not in a place at this point in my life to wait for help from others. Is it depressing to think that as long as you keep waiting for that help, you'll probably never get it. Or is it realistic? Or am I just going through post-divorce disillusionment?
Whatever. When everything else fails, there is the run.
On to less solemn topics.
I experimented with some kinesio taping, that Sports Authority finally started to carry. Here's the technique I used:
I can't scientifically test the method of taping that I'm using (vs. no taping at all), but I'm willing to keep using it as long as I can keep running without injury. I do feel much stronger.
Always do what you can with what you got.
This run didn't feel fantastic, and it's by no means representative of what I hope my marathon finish will be like, but it's the first one so I'll cut myself some slack.
Still, I'm relentlessly hard on myself so I need objective measurements. I haven't yet repeated last year's races (Fetzer 20k will be the first opportunity), but I can compare where I am this year at my first long run of the season to last year - when I was just getting started after several years of no running. Here's a direct comparison:
January 2009
- Still smoking
- Somewhere around 20 lbs heavier
- Long run pace of 11-12 min/mile
- Willing to run in -13 degree weather...outside!
January 2010
- Smoke free for almost a year
- 20 lbs lighter, plus increased muscle mass (about 15% less body fat)
- Long run pace of 9:40 min/mile
- Much wimpier about the weather I'll run in (or more sane?)
There are numerous other areas in my life where I would like to make as much progress. I'm sad that I haven't and I'm getting very impatient. I think the reason I've always liked running is that the results are usually pretty consistent with the amount of effort I put forth in training. The frustrating thing is that I don't seem to be able to achieve these same results with other areas of my life. So many things are outside my locus of control. The objectivity I need now is to resolve what IS within my locus of control in these other areas. I'm not in a place at this point in my life to wait for help from others. Is it depressing to think that as long as you keep waiting for that help, you'll probably never get it. Or is it realistic? Or am I just going through post-divorce disillusionment?
Whatever. When everything else fails, there is the run.
On to less solemn topics.
I experimented with some kinesio taping, that Sports Authority finally started to carry. Here's the technique I used:
I can't scientifically test the method of taping that I'm using (vs. no taping at all), but I'm willing to keep using it as long as I can keep running without injury. I do feel much stronger.
Always do what you can with what you got.
Tommorow is D-Day
It's been almost two years since we've separated our selves, our stuff, our schedules with the children. Tomorrow we're due in court. I have no idea what to expect. To get questioned? Yelled at?
The thing is, I have no lawyer. Can't afford one. The soon-to-be ex ha a very expensive one. The settlement is obviously not in my favor, but I'm not in a place (financial or mental) to try to fight it. There are times when you need to fight and there are times when your energy is better spent picking up and moving on with what you've got.
I'm ready for it to be over.
I want my last name back. I want back the final few pieces of myself I haven't yet already put together again.
The narrative of my life is mine again. And an intrinsic thread in that narrative is my need for self-improvement. I fell short of the marathon and have been experimenting with other sports (swimming, biking) to keep myself busy, with some really interesting results.
I will still do the marathon in 2010, but a triathlon &/or masters' swim competitions are likely in my future.
The thing is, I have no lawyer. Can't afford one. The soon-to-be ex ha a very expensive one. The settlement is obviously not in my favor, but I'm not in a place (financial or mental) to try to fight it. There are times when you need to fight and there are times when your energy is better spent picking up and moving on with what you've got.
I'm ready for it to be over.
I want my last name back. I want back the final few pieces of myself I haven't yet already put together again.
The narrative of my life is mine again. And an intrinsic thread in that narrative is my need for self-improvement. I fell short of the marathon and have been experimenting with other sports (swimming, biking) to keep myself busy, with some really interesting results.
I will still do the marathon in 2010, but a triathlon &/or masters' swim competitions are likely in my future.
TCM
So I pulled out of the Twin Cities Marathon. It's been a few weeks since the marathon and I'm trying still to accept reality. I can be fairly thickheaded.
I still went up to St. Paul to watch the finish. I did well up with tears a few times over being a spectator rather than a participant. The energy of the event was what I anticipated: enthusiastic, supportive, celebratory - it just had an undertone of sadness for me.
Right after I posted about my pride over my 40 mile week in August, I started to encounter ITB isssues. It's the acronym for the much maligned Iliotibial Band Syndrome. It's a not-too-uncommon injury in runners. For women it's associated with weak glutes (me), weighing more than 135 (me), long runs of more than 2 hours a week (me), and hill training (me). I had it diagnosed and was told it was "textbook". Hey, at least I can finally check "having done something by the textbook" off my bucket list.
Anyway, lots of physical therapy, cortisone injections, NSAIDS, you name it, it didn't help much. I was advised not to do the marathon. So I just watched it. That's about 16 weeks of training for nothing.
Still, I'm glad I went to watch. I saw some pretty amazing things and although it was frustrating, it deepened my desire to complete one.
I'm still on rest. The last time I tried to run it flared up with intensity, so I'm doing other things: swimming and weight training among them.
And in the mean time, I'm contemplating longer-term goals.
Clearly I need to finish the marathon before moving on to a triathlon...but having the long-term goal in mind helps keep me focused on the smaller ones.
I still went up to St. Paul to watch the finish. I did well up with tears a few times over being a spectator rather than a participant. The energy of the event was what I anticipated: enthusiastic, supportive, celebratory - it just had an undertone of sadness for me.
Right after I posted about my pride over my 40 mile week in August, I started to encounter ITB isssues. It's the acronym for the much maligned Iliotibial Band Syndrome. It's a not-too-uncommon injury in runners. For women it's associated with weak glutes (me), weighing more than 135 (me), long runs of more than 2 hours a week (me), and hill training (me). I had it diagnosed and was told it was "textbook". Hey, at least I can finally check "having done something by the textbook" off my bucket list.
Anyway, lots of physical therapy, cortisone injections, NSAIDS, you name it, it didn't help much. I was advised not to do the marathon. So I just watched it. That's about 16 weeks of training for nothing.
Still, I'm glad I went to watch. I saw some pretty amazing things and although it was frustrating, it deepened my desire to complete one.
I'm still on rest. The last time I tried to run it flared up with intensity, so I'm doing other things: swimming and weight training among them.
And in the mean time, I'm contemplating longer-term goals.
Clearly I need to finish the marathon before moving on to a triathlon...but having the long-term goal in mind helps keep me focused on the smaller ones.
Surprising run
I felt like crap today.
My legs were tired and I just felt empty.
Instead of thinking about it, I just put my running gear on and ran.
3 miles into it I felt right. Kicked up the pace and my brain finally shut off. My body did what it was supposed to do. I don't know how better to explain it than I was doing exactly what I was meant to be doing right at that moment. With my thoughts finally giving way and me tuned into the hum of my body, I felt close to something divine.
My legs were tired and I just felt empty.
Instead of thinking about it, I just put my running gear on and ran.
3 miles into it I felt right. Kicked up the pace and my brain finally shut off. My body did what it was supposed to do. I don't know how better to explain it than I was doing exactly what I was meant to be doing right at that moment. With my thoughts finally giving way and me tuned into the hum of my body, I felt close to something divine.
New Milestone
I finally reached 40 miles in one week. And, did 17 miles at one time. Or something very close to that.
Yesterday morning's run was not only long, but terribly hot,and terribly slow. I felt pretty good throughout most of it, though. Because I was running with a group also training for a marathon, we all did a pretty good job of taking care of ourselves during the run, including lots of water stops and electrolyte replacement.
Here's a couple lessons I learned on yesterday's long run:
1) Ice down the bra helps a lot
2) At about mile 12, I start to need more than just gels
3) I don't know what to eat after mile 12 because I tried a powerbar and, as before, it sat in my stomach like a rock and caused lots of cramps and pains. So I need to keep experimenting. Something more substantial, but not so hard to digest.
Not too bad, actually. Considering I had a hard week of running leading up to that, my body managed to maintain fairly well. Some ITB pain crept up during the run, so I need to start being more cognizant of stretching regularly and start icing after all of my runs. It was also suggested that I get a foam roller made specifically for stretching the ITB. Not sure what this is so I'm going to do some investigating today.
Overall, it felt good. I'm on track.
I know I will have moments in the future when I look back on this period of my life, and in those moments I'll wonder if it's really worth it to work this hard for running. And to my future self I want to say "Yes, it is most definitely worth it. I feel better than I have felt in years, and am in probably the best shape of my life." Should that not be enough, I just need to picture Judy's legs. The leader of our running group is 50 this year and she has the most fantastic legs on any woman (or man) I've seen!
Yesterday morning's run was not only long, but terribly hot,and terribly slow. I felt pretty good throughout most of it, though. Because I was running with a group also training for a marathon, we all did a pretty good job of taking care of ourselves during the run, including lots of water stops and electrolyte replacement.
Here's a couple lessons I learned on yesterday's long run:
1) Ice down the bra helps a lot
2) At about mile 12, I start to need more than just gels
3) I don't know what to eat after mile 12 because I tried a powerbar and, as before, it sat in my stomach like a rock and caused lots of cramps and pains. So I need to keep experimenting. Something more substantial, but not so hard to digest.
Not too bad, actually. Considering I had a hard week of running leading up to that, my body managed to maintain fairly well. Some ITB pain crept up during the run, so I need to start being more cognizant of stretching regularly and start icing after all of my runs. It was also suggested that I get a foam roller made specifically for stretching the ITB. Not sure what this is so I'm going to do some investigating today.
Overall, it felt good. I'm on track.
I know I will have moments in the future when I look back on this period of my life, and in those moments I'll wonder if it's really worth it to work this hard for running. And to my future self I want to say "Yes, it is most definitely worth it. I feel better than I have felt in years, and am in probably the best shape of my life." Should that not be enough, I just need to picture Judy's legs. The leader of our running group is 50 this year and she has the most fantastic legs on any woman (or man) I've seen!