I gave in to the marketing and bought the Rodale Brooks running calendar. I like the calendar because, in part, I like the daily reminder of what my goals are. Seeing the image of some svelte runner gliding through a picturesque setting reminds me of happier moments in running - and reminds me that I do it largely for the enjoyment of doing it. It also allows me to imprint a vision of someone with good form that I can later conjure up when I'm running and need to focus on something other than how much my toes hurt.
But, admittedly, I use it to chart my progress. Like any true OCD runner, I always record every mile I've actually run. I have about 8 spreadsheets documenting how many miles I should run, depending on what training program I happen to be following that week. But this old school format is the one I consistently use to chart how many miles my legs actually take me. I was writing down my miles for this week when I noticed this month's inspirational quote at the bottom of the page. In the corner, is a snippet from Bart Yasso, "Winning is a nice reward - don't get me wrong - but glory isn't the payoff. This may sound cliche, but the reward is living the lifestyle and embracing the journey. It's not about finishing, it's about moving forward." I have mixed feelings about that statement.
As is consistently the case, running parallels other areas of my life. It took me a long time to realize that I'm very much a goal-oriented person. I'm not happy unless I have a goal and am doing everything I can in my power to achieve that goal. Obstacles be damned! In fact, obstacles are sometimes the funnest part. But I have these two very concrete goals. One is to finish this damn marathon. The other is my degree. Specifically in the field of genetics (if U of M, it will be genetics, cell and developmental biology; if from Winona it will be molecular biology). The problem is, they are both so far away. And there are many, many, many obstacles.
I love the pursuit of the goal, but sometimes it's just not enough. I can only use my imagination to think of what it will feel like when I actually achieve either of these goals (and I do this a lot), but on a daily basis - that's not enough. If you were running toward some mountain in the distance that you could barely see, that was miles and miles away - but that was your goal and you ran all day you would eventually want to quit. Your legs tired, feet bleeding, you'd be out of fuel and you would start looking around at everyone else enjoying themselves - people sitting down and eating lunch, people relaxing in their homes, shopping, getting manicures - you would want to do these things too. Especially when the mountain disappeared from your view at times - which it will. Imagining what it would be like to be THERE at that mountain would work for a little bit, but ultimately that imagining just reminds you that you aren't actually there yet and that gets old. And frustrating.
There are a few techniques I've tried using to overcome this frustration. Remind myself that I will eventually be there, focus on what I like about the moment and try to remain present, think of the alternatives (the fact that my body parts are working is something I am repeatedly reminded to not take for granted), etc. Sometimes, though, the easiest thing to do is the thing I most forget. Stop. Just for one minute, look back at where I was - 10 minutes ago, 2 years ago, 1/2 mile ago, a lifetime ago. Look at all the miles I ran this week. 5, 4, 6, 11. This is progress. And every mile I have traveled - nobody did that for me. I had plenty of help and encouragement, but it's been my will, my luck, my own genetic capacity, my own hard work, my own two feet - these are the things that are woven into all those little penciled-in numbers I write down every week on my calendar in OCD fashion. They're just numbers to anyone else, but to me, they are my story.
